I have been sick for five years. It feels like much longer, but when I sit down and measure the time from the point where my life could no longer go on as it once had the result is five years.

Five years of tests, and diagnoses, and new diagnoses, and round-about treatments but never cures.
Five years of educating myself and others.
Five years of being my own advocate.
Five years of “yes, I know, I don’t *look* sick”.
Five years of watching the typography of my life and the people in it deconstruct and reconfigure itself.

At first the changes felt limiting, even stifling. I grieved for the person I had grown accustomed to being because who I believed myself to be at a fundamental level had been stripped away and I was left without a road map, or even a common language. I had to make my own map, my own language.

I’ve learned who I am now. Or relearned really. Some of who I was still existed under the illness, some did not, and some of the old me I find I am better off without. New aspects emerged. I found a deep well of patience within myself; patience for the days I could not get out of bed, patience for the lack of support and knowledge offered by western medicine, patience for the slow path of my own rediscovery.

I also found a bottomless source of gratitude, because even in this vast struggle I had amazing support in the form of family and friends that walked those five years with me, who faced the frightening unknown by my side, and held the flicker of hope for me when I could not hold it for myself.

I learned (am still learning) how to be in this new body, with its physical limitations, its frequent muddy and labyrinthine passages to reach into my own mind and recover the worlds of creativity that still exist there. Illness altered my perspective on life, it transformed me, and it honed me.

I am here now, in a long plateau of health, nowhere hear the level I once enjoyed, but greater than the worst of my crashes, and I find myself grateful for the health I have, and ready to venture back into the world with this new understanding of self.

I am at a reset, if you will, eager to see what unfolds next.

Los Angeles
July 2018

3 thoughts on “reset

  1. Hello Keller,

    How strange. I thought about you today for the first time in a long time. I don’t know why, just one of those thoughts that everyone has about people from their past I suppose.

    I was thinking about the last time we saw each other, as well as the first (only, and) last time we argued. I remember with crystalline clarity the frustration I felt at the time, and later the anger at myself for getting into an argument with you and never even trying to make it right.

    Alas, the wall between us that was already up in digital form (that is, ‘ignore/block’) as well as in my head seemed then, and for the longest time, un-breachable. I could go on and blame a lot of things, but in truth I find that it’s difficult to self-evaluate critically and accept responsibility for ones’ actions, especially when in retrospect it was such a stupid thing to argue about.
    That said, the instigator of the argument was me. The person who should have stopped, evaluated, and come back later or spoken to you in person was me.

    I don’t know if you remember the argument, or me, but I hope you know that I am very sorry for how t ended. I’m sorry that I argued with you on your social media. I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings or caused you pain, and most of all, I’m sorry for treating you like an opponent instead of a someone whose feelings, opinions, and goodwill I truly valued.

    I hope you find the happiness you’re seeking, that the path you’re on leads you to greater rewards, fulfillment, and continued good health.


    I know it doesn’t need to be said, but I will anyway: This message isn’t a request for a response, I don’t expect you to forgive and forget. Simply put, you don’t owe me anything. I just hope you’re doing well, and continue to live happily.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hi Jon. What a strange and beautiful moment of serendipity; I only just reactivated my blog today after letting it fall fallow (and deactivated) while I was sick. I suspect we all have rifts we regret not healing at the time. I’m very moved that you chose to share your own vulnerability around one that affected us. I carry no ill will, if that helps to hear. I thank you for your kind words and return the sentiments, especially that you are doing well and living happily.


      • Hi Keller,

        It might sound weird, but I felt that it was kind of a sign when I saw your post was on the same day that I was reminiscing and reflecting.

        Thank you for your kind words. As a person terrible with followup chatty replies, I just want you to know that I’m both relieved that you’re not carrying any negativity about that and that I hope your Reset marks the start of a freshly writ chapter of a new book of joyous moments and happy tidings in your life.

        (Who only now, as he’s posting this reply, realized that he posted the initial message & this reply to your wall, instead of messaging you directly. Duh)


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