I’ve been on a bit of a Twitter rant lately regarding the abuse-cycle and the marginalization of survivors.
This happens from time to time. I hit a limit with “keep the peace, be a gentleman, don’t rock the boat” reactions to attempts at an open dialogue – they are forms of silencing-as-punishment that work to perpetuate the abuse itself. I am exhausted and enraged by the backlash that breaking the silence equates to causing drama; breaking the silence is imperative to validating a survivor’s experience. All survivors deserve to be heard/seen/believed. All survivors deserve to heal. All survivors. This includes men. We don’t like to think about that, we see survivors as women, but men are abused too. Women can be abusers. We should make room for all survivors.
Everyone deserves healthy/happy/non-hitting relationships. Everyone is worthy of that. No survivor should ever be punished for standing up and saying “No! This is not going to happen anymore!”. Bullying that person for lacking compassion for their abuser is part of the toxic cycle. Reprimanding the survivor with “but they [abuser] can be so kind, you can’t paint such an ugly picture! How can you be so heartless?”
Of course they can be kind! Kindness is key to the cycle. Abusers lavish affection and gifts, they work to control and manipulate, they explode, they are filled with remorse and apologies, and the cycle starts again. Here is an important lesson in life: being capable of kindness is not the same as being genuinely kind. Kindness is not kindness where is it used to facilitate control. Likewise, love is not love where it seeks to fulfill only its own desires. Draining one self worth to bolster another is not love, it is abuse.
When someone hits you, or verbally attacks you, because you “deserve it”, please do not believe them. Conflicts are solved with respectful conversation and open vulnerability from both parties, not fists, not derailing and belittling. Gaslighting is not a sign of affection or open communication.
When you hit someone, or beat them down verbally, to punish them for not doing what you wanted you are stepping into the role of an abuser. No amount of personal trauma excuses the choice to become an abuser. You are accountable for your actions. You are responsible for working your own healing. You can change. You have to change. Or the cycle continues, and you become responsible for that.
I am saddened to see the toxic cycle perpetuate itself beyond the individual relationship and be reinforced by the circle of people who call themselves friends.
I am disappointed that more people don’t see abuse clearly, and instead allow themselves to become an extra hand of the abuser.
I am vocal because it is important to speak out. I stand on my soapbox because my voice is strong enough to raise above the din for people who have not yet found the strength in their own voices. I don’t claim to speak for them, I speak so a safe place can be created, so that it becomes acceptable to speak. I will not be party to a system that victim blames and guilts survivors into thinking they deserve(d) to be treated without respect.
I am filled with compassion for broken people, but “I hurt because I am hurting” is not carte blanche to hurt others. And every person who perpetuates that abuse, who buys into the manipulation and punishes the person breaking free and grasping for something healthy, is equally accountable.
Abuse only stops when we all break the cycle.
